An interview with author Molly Carlile

 

Molly Carlile-author of Jelly Bean's Secret

 

The best thing about writing this book?

Writing Jelly Bean's Secret was a journey for me as it was for the family in the story. Initially, my intent was to develop a therapeutic learning tool that I could use with the grieving children who came to me for counselling, but as the story evolved, so did it's scope. It became a story aimed at encouraging families to openly discuss the issues before they had to face the death of someone they love.

 

What is your wish for this book?

My intent is that every household will have a copy of Jelly Bean's Secret that is actively used as an introduction to the realities of death, grief and the importance of remembering, for children AND for adults. This is not because I aspire to being the 'J. K. Rowling of death education', but because as a community we need to embrace death as a part of life and this can only happen when we openly discuss it in realistic terms.

 

What makes you laugh?

I laugh a lot. In fact, I sometimes laugh at most inappropriate times and at most inappropriate things, so I'm told! I come from a family of creative people who are great storytellers, mimics and are really all children at heart. If you want to be heard, you need to tell the funniest, loudest, most embellished and unlikely tale. So, almost anything can make me laugh, and regularly does.

 

What makes you cry?

I am a passionate idealist. I believe in the right of every person to have access to the basic needs of life: food, shelter, personal safety and security, education, good health care and loving relationships. When I see people in the world deprived of these basic rights, that is what makes me cry. We are all entitled to a predominantly joyful life, so I struggle with the injustices I see around me and on the TV, every day.

 

Getting older?

I used to resent getting older. Now I understand that wisdom comes with getting older, and I revel in the opportunities that getting older has provided for me. I am getting to the place where I can be proud of being a 'tribal elder', I can actually mentor and support younger people and I have found that spending time surrounded by young adults keeps you 'young at heart', no matter how many wrinkles you have!

 

Death?

Death is a physical separation. Love is what lasts. Love does not disappear when someone dies; it endures and maintains an eternal connection beyond the physical absence of the person who has died.

 

Grieving?

Grieving is the overwhelming pain we feel when someone we love dies. This is not just a physical pain, but an emotional, spiritual and psychological pain which makes us feel socially isolated and alone. Grief is subjective, a different experience for every person and every death. We need to learn the ultimate lesson, that compassion and loving support will assist a grieving person, but NOTHING you do or say can 'make it better'. The old saying, 'time heals all wounds' could not be further from the truth. Time will have an impact on the intensity of the feelings a grieving person has, but will not resolve those feelings.ever.

 

Healing?

Healing to me is a holistic thing. Healing can only occur if a person can achieve a state of physical, psychological, spiritual, emotional, social and cultural balance. This is why what sometimes appears as 'physical' pain, cannot be cured by the strongest of pain killers, in the absence of support for the other elements of the whole person. Healing is also subjective and ultimately it is the person who is suffering who needs to have control of their personal healing. No one else can impose healing on them or do it for them, no matter how well-intentioned.

 

Jelly Bean's Secret in Review

 

John Holton, 'Books - Jelly Bean's Secret,' Weekender, Bendigo Advertiser , n.d.

 

"Jelly Bean's Secret is a book that has been years in the making.

 

As its author Molly Carlile writes in her introduction: 'It is the result of years of study and work in palliative care as nurse, counsellor and educator.'

 

Jelly Bean's Secret tells the story of nine-year-old Abby, her brother Zac, and their very special Grandma Jelly Bean.

 

Abby is especially close to her Grandma. Jelly Bean is someone she can confide in - someone with whom she can share her special secrets.

 

When Jelly Bean is rushed to hospital, the family experiences the roller coaster of emotions associated with the sudden onset of a serious illness.

 

As it becomes obvious that Jelly Bean is not going to get better, each member of the family must say goodbye in their own unique way.

 

Told with honesty and sensitivity this book will help young readers to learn about death and dying and the feelings that accompany these inevitable times.

 

Abby and Zac learn that memories are precious and, through their shared, special secret, Jelly Bean will always be with them.

 

Beautifully illustrated by Bendigo artist Carolyn Marrone, this book presents opportunities for teachers, counsellors and parents to have reflective, honest and gentle conversations with children about the place of death in our experience of life.

 

An extensive learners' guide at the back of the book includes conversation starters and ways of talking about death.

 

Using simple language, it explodes many of the myths and misconceptions about death and dying.

 

The overwhelming message of this book is that while loss is always sad, loving is triumphant."

 

 

 

'Life Matters,' 29 March 2005 , ABC Radio National.

Program description: "Dealt with helping children cope with the concept of death and the loss of someone close. Cites Jelly Bean's Secret (Molly Carlile, St Luke's Innovative Resources).

 

 

 

'Teaching Resources: New resources on death and dying for children,' KUCA News, Autumn 2005, p. 17.

 

Released February 2005

 

A new book for children on the important but often taboo subject of death and dying.

 

Jelly Bean's Secret is the story of nine-year-old Abby, her brother Zac, and their love for their 'Grandma Jelly Bean.' A moving book which follows honestly yet sensitively the events that lead to Jelly Bean's death in hospital, and how the family copes. The book is the result of author Molly Carlile's years of study and work in palliative care as a nurse, counsellor and educator.

 

"I have come to realize that if we, as a community, acknowledge the inevitability of death and prepare ourselves and those we love in a way that identifies the realities, and no the myths, fear can be disempowered."

 

Included in the book are notes from the author:

• about the book;
• about death;
• how to use the book as a learning tool;
• key understandings to assist with talking to children about death;
• some conversation starters and possible responses.

 

High recommended.

 

 

 

'Book review: Jelly Bean's Secret,' Palliative Care News, Summer 2005.

 

"Jelly Bean's Secret by Molly Carlile is a moving book about a beloved granny who dies suddenly. It's told from the point of view of a little girl of about 9 years old.

 

Abby is close to her Jelly Bean, her grandmother Jean. She is even with her when she becomes very ill. Abby is kept informed about what is happening and is allowed to go to hospital with her. The little girl is very sad and bewildered herself; she also sees other people grieving in various ways.

 

Abby is helped by the other people around her and worries about them too. She is moved by the rituals and stories at the funeral. In the midst of all this she learns the importance of remembering and even remembers that Jelly Bean taught her about this herself. She 'carries on' and carries Jelly Bean with her.

 

This is a lovely and very useful publication. I believe that it would be a comforting book for children to read; it is honest about the pain of loss but has plenty of ideas about gradual, incisive and warm recovery. It also has some very helpful notes at the end for grown-ups."

 

 

 

'New Publications - Jelly Bean's Secret,' Connections, Centre for Grief and Loss, 2005, p. 9.

 

"Initiating discussions with children about death can be difficult. Such discussions can be painful and awkward. Often as adults, we avoid these discussions. We protect our children from the discomfort of death by using euphemisms such as "passing on" and "going to heaven". By preparing our children for the reality of death, teaching them to support their grieving family and friends, we are teaching them to be compassionate and treasure each day. Jelly Bean's Secret tells the story of Abby, a young girl and her grandmother 'Jelly Bean'. Abby and Jelly Bean do everything together, so when Jelly Bean falls ill, Abby is shocked and saddened to think Jelly Bean may die and they won't go to the beach anymore. This book takes us honestly, yet sensitively through the events that lead to Jelly Bean's death in hospital and show us the importance of remembering a loved one through Abby's eyes."

 

 

'Book Reviews - Jelly Bean's Secret,' Counselling Australia , vol. 5, no.2, Winter 2005, p. 58.

 

"This is a book about death and how to share and explain it truthfully and openly to our children. It helps to demystify death and place it in real terms, yet nurturing the understanding that death is part of the journey of life.

 

This story is about a nine-year-old child who lives with her parents, brother and grandmother (named Jelly Bean). It is beautifully and simply written acknowledging the relationships that aspire up to the death of the grandmother and how each person reacted in their own way after the death of their loved one. This book will help to reflect, and create gentle conversations about living dying, letting go and remembering. I have to admit it brought tears to my eyes as I fondly remembered my grandparents and the wonderful time we had together.

 

At the back of this book Molly has some wonderful explanations of how to use this book as a tool, such as 'key understandings' and 'some conversation starters'. The credibility of the author, research and resources used to create this information and the simplistic yet professional presentation can only lead me to believe it to be an invaluable tool for all professionals working with grief.

 

I would highly recommend this book not only for parents and counsellors to share with children but to also share this with adults to assist the child within.

 

Maria Lacey, Qualified Counsellor, Reiki Master Teacher, Mediation Teacher. Reiki Inspirations, Mooroolbark.

 

 

Frankie Needham, 'Good Advice on Guiding Children through an Expereince of Death,' ACCNS Journal for Community Nurses , vol. 10, no. 3, December 2005, p.26

 

Exploring children's experience of illness and death has long been neglected. The old myths, that they are too young, or do not know what is happening are debunked in Molly Carlile's book Jelly Bean's Secret. This is much more than a story. It is an educational resource and a useful tool to assist children to learn more about death and loss. The book tells the story of Abby and Zac who live with their parents and their grandmother Jelly Bean with whom they have a special relationship.

 

This well-written story captures with great sensitivity the essence of a child's experience of coping with the events that unfold following a sudden life threatening illness. The story culminates in the death of Jelly Bean. In leading the reader through the story, the author creates wonderful imagery as she describes the relationships between the main characters against a backdrop of a well-functioning family. The story amply describes the emotional states and the resultant confusion of the children as they struggle with the realization that Jelly Bean is very ill. It also describes the way in which children read their parents' behaviour and make their own interpretations. I liked the way in which the parents sensitively prepared the children for Jelly Bean's death. The book illustrates how the parents and extended family were able to express their emotions in the presence of the children, thereby modeling appropriate expressions of grief, assisting and normalizing the children's experience in learning about loss in the hospital and during the funeral.

 

The book gives an insight into a child's world. The child's thoughts expressed in the text, although not shared with the adults, highlight how in the midst of a supportive family a child can still feel frightened and unsure. The book also includes a useful page about death providing information in a quick reference format. In the section titled Using this book as a learning tool, the reader is guided through ways to begin talking about death with children. The story is a good lead-in for those who are unfamiliar with addressing such issues. There is useful information even for those of us who are regularly in the role of assisting children with death and loss.

 

The illustrations by Carolyn Marrone capture the story, not just enhancing the story but also suggesting the seriousness of the topic. The book challenges us to include, inform and support children at every step of the process. It educates parents about what their children actually experience and to understand the parental role in supporting their children. Molly Carlile has provided us with a gem of a book that will encourage and allow more children the opportunity to express their grief and encourage a healthy adjustment following the death of a loved one.

 

Frankie Needham, RN, Counsellor and play therapist, EIKA Counselling Perth, WA.