Using the Mates Traits Cards and Stickers

Mates Traits: What Makes A Good Friend?

Who might use Mates Traits ?

 

Do you know anyone who hasn't got any friends at all? If there are such people-and there can't be that many-it's difficult to imagine how they could be happy. Even thinking about being happy but having no friends to share this with is really hard.

 

Most of us depend on our friends for lots of things and happiness is just one thing that goes hand-in-hand with friendships. But while friendships are a very important part of the lives of most of us, it is easy to take them for granted. We like having friends, we enjoy their company, we learn a lot from them and they help make us who we are. But have you ever stopped to think about how friendships are made? How does a friendship start? How do we choose who we will be friends with? How do we get to know people well? What makes a friendship resilient; able to cope with the ups and downs?

 

We also know how we feel when something goes wrong. When friendships fall apart we can feel anger, sadness, loneliness and a mixture of many other feelings. But can we reverse a friendship that is going badly? How can we keep friendships happy and healthy?

 

Mates Traits is a very simple but unusual tool that helps us think about the elements of good friendships. Being able to identify the dimensions of friendships is perhaps the first step in knowing how to make good choices in the friends we make.

 

And thinking more about good friendships can help us avoid the sadness of things gone wrong such as bullying, loneliness, despondency and manipulation.

 

Mates Traits is a tool that can be used by:

 

• Parents-to build conversations with their children about safe friendships (and how kids and their parents can stay friends!)

• Teachers-to develop healthy cooperative learning environments and conversations about values that can prevent bullying and self-harm

• youth workers-on camps and adventure activities to build trusting relationships and celebrate the friendships that have emerged

• family workers-to strengthen sibling relationships and prepare caregivers' children for the pressures of foster care

• sports coaches-to develop teamwork

• social workers/school welfare staff-in problem-solving and decision-making activities

• pastoral care workers-as a means of dealing with loss and grief

 

Using the cards

 

'No rules, no instructions, no recipes! '

 

This tends to be the 'mantra' that accompanies all the seriously optimistic materials published by Innovative Resources. These resources depend upon the creativity of the person introducing them and we don't wish to diminish this creativity by suggesting that they have to be used in a certain way. For this reason we don't write instruction manuals or insist that training is necessary before using our resources.

 

Your creativity is the key ingredient and if you enjoy Mates Traits you are likely to discover unique ways of introducing them.

 

We do, however, like to publish suggestions for using our materials, and in our quarterly newsletter we like to include stories from others who have found useful or novel ways of incorporating them in their work.

 

We would also say that Mates Traits, like all our other materials, is not a panacea. It is not guaranteed to produce the results you might be hoping for. As with any tool, it needs to be used respectfully and with an awareness of the needs of the individuals and the culture of the group using it.

 

Using any tool also requires a certain amount of risk-taking or experimentation. If the cards don't work for whatever reason you can simply put them away although you may also decide to talk about why it was they weren't useful in this situation. Such a conversation may provide valuable insights into what might work more effectively.

 

Each of the Mates Traits cards can be used individually to build a conversation. A teacher might select one card as a 'trait of the day' or 'trait of the week' and build a range of learning activities around each card. Alternatively, the cards can be stacked and used in sequence to discuss the difference components of friendship.

 

However, we have discovered that cards generally work well when the entire set (or part of a set) is spread out on a table so the can be readily scanned by an individual or small group. Once scanned, sorting or selection can then take place in a variety of ways.

 

Some of the questions you can ask to help build conversations around the meaning and significance of friendships might be:

 

• What are the most important things you think friends should do together?

• Do you do different things with different friends? How does this feel? Is it okay?

• Do you have a best friend? What do you do with that person? What do you not do? Are there other things you would like to do together?

• Can you become friends with someone you don't like? Which of the cards describes something that would help in this situation? Have you ever done this before?

• How do you go about making friends?

• Can you have good friends who are very different from you? How does this work?

• Have you ever lost a friend? What happened? Is there anything that you would now do differently?

• What do you think makes a friend different from a mere acquaintance?

• Why do you think some friendships last a long time and other friendships just seem to fade away?

• How is it that some people seem to stay very good friends for a long time even when they don't see each other much?

• If there was a series of friendship awards to be handed out, which of the 32 Mates Traits would you like to win the award for? In other words, what do you think you do well with your friends?

 

Sometimes children who are targets of bullying are confused about friendships. They may feel that they have done something to cause the bullying or they may think that bullying behaviour is something that friends do. Some questions that might help a child in this situation are:

 

• Why do you think this person picked on you? Did they misunderstand something you did in wanting to be their friend?

• All friends have up and down times and all friends can hurt us at times but is the behaviour of this other person something that real friends do? Would a real friend later regret their behaviour?

• Can a friendship be one-sided or allow one person to dominate another? What do fairness and equality mean in friendship?

• When should friends say they are sorry and when should we forgive our friends for their mistakes?

• Do you think there are times when we just can't be friends with someone? What is the best way to do this?

• When is it important to be a friend to yourself? How might you do this?

 

Story Telling-for Children and Adults

 

Mates Traits is a great resource for stimulating story telling and gives permission to share stories about friendships in a unique way.

 

 

 

With Kids: Conversations about Friendship Building

 

Many children struggle with the complexities of friendship building. And we often make assumptions that children learn about friendships through some process of osmosis. Yet we also know that bullying, for example, remains a big issue in schools and in the lives of many children. Parents, teachers and counsellors may all find themselves needing to help children sort through situations where friendships are tested or become confused.

Here are some positive questions to try out in conjunction with Mates Traits. Some may be worth introducing to a new group to establish some ground rules and expectations. Some questions may help repair fragile or tested relationships.

 

When We are Visited by Strangers

 

Sometimes knowing how to become friends with someone new can be very difficult. It might be a new person who joins a class or sports team. It might be going to a party where there are people you have never met before. Or it could even be that cousins you don't know well are coming to stay or that mum and dad are foster parents and will sometimes care for children who are complete strangers in your home.

 

How we make friends can be a tricky business at the best of times. But when new relationships are thrust upon us and perhaps threaten other long-standing relationships or routines, negotiating a successful pathway into a new friendship can be very difficult indeed.

 

Rather than merely accepting that such new 'imposed' friendships will work out somehow Mates Traits provides a way of taking preemptive action. The introduction of Mates Traits into a classroom or family conversation before the new arrival appears can provide a positive context that may well increase the likelihood of mutual acceptance.

 

In foster care, for example, sometimes it is the children of the caregivers who feel put out when new children arrive and they are expected to share their home, their toys and their parents. In Mates Traits perhaps there is the opportunity to build a positive expectation of what new friendships may mean and to talk about ways of being friends even if the foster children disrupt some family routines.

 

Gifting with Stickers

 

Mates Traits, like many of the card sets produced by Innovative Resources, is also published as stickers.

 

Stickers provide a great means of 'gifting'; of being able to give a simple gift that says something positive about what you see in someone else. Gifting can be a wonderful activity to conclude a camp, a sports season or a school year.

 

Every participant can be given a sheet of stickers so they can choose one they would like to give to each other person in the group. Every person then ends up with a page of stickers that effectively says what everyone else values in them. This is one of the truly great self-esteem building activities ever invented because everyone gets to give and receive lots of positive messages.

 

The activity can be structured in different ways. At times it will be best to do it anonymously so no one knows who put which stickers on their sheet. But at other times gifting with stickers can be accompanied by other written and signed messages or by story-telling in a group discussion.

 

And, of course, you don't have to wait until the end of a group to build self-esteem and celebrate friendship. You can introduce gifting with stickers any time you think the group needs a lift or a change of direction.

 

And why not try gifting with stickers in the very first session of a new group? It might just be the catalyst to get group cohesion happening from day one.

 

 

Mates Traits Colouring Book

 

The Mates Traits illustrations have also been used to create a delightful colouring and activity book. The same humourous Australian birds and animals from the card set appear on each right-hand page of the colouring book-this time as line drawings ready to be coloured in. The phrase that goes with each illustration is featured on each left-hand page so that children can add stickers, paste in other pictures and write about all their friends.

 

Teachers, parents and care-givers of every kind will find that the Mates Traits colouring and activity book is an enjoyable way to get across positive, pro-social messages and build values-based discussion for even very young children.

 

Used separately or in conjunction with the cards and stickers, the colouring book is a great way for children to engage actively with the important friendship skills that are such an integral part of building emotional literacy.

 

 

Learning Through Games

 

So much can be learned through games. Games can so easily involve pairing, group work, body movement, silence, music, story telling, and general hilarity. These activities open up trust and alternative ways of learning, releasing participants from the predominantly linguistic or mathematical learning styles that have until recently dominated our educational curricula. Here are just a couple of game ideas. You will undoubtedly be able to adapt or invent many more.

 

The 'memory' game

Just about everybody knows the memory game or 'Fish'. It is the game where the aim is to turn over two matching cards from a pack which has been shuffled and randomly spread on a table. It is a great game for even very young children and it can be played with two sets of Mates Traits cards.

 

We have a non-competitive version where the aim of the group is to make sure each player finishes the game with at least one matching pair, so each player can help the others with their memory.

 

When someone turns up a matching pair normally they get a second turn but in our version of the game to get a second turn you have to tell a story about the pair of cards that have been turned up. For example, participants can be asked to tell a story about a time they (with a friend) did what was on the pair of cards. Say, for example, the 'We sing' cards were turned up, that player would be asked to tell a story about a time they sang with a friend. If they can't think of an example, another player who can gets the second turn.

 

The memory game is a simple yet fun way of reinforcing positive pro-social messages for young children and preventing corrosives like bullying.

 

The 'find-your-partner' game

Again, two sets of Mates Traits are needed. The group is divided into two with the same number of participants in each group. Each group receives and distributes a matching set of cards, with each participant receiving one card.

 

The first challenge is for the partners to find each other. This can be done by requiring each person to act out what is on the card as the players mingle. The only question permitted is, 'Does your card say.?' when someone thinks they have found their partner.

 

The second challenge is then for each pair to act out their Mates Traits cards in front of the whole group, followed by stories and discussion about why this can be an important characteristic of a friendship.

 

A range of further activities can then be built around the matching pair. Perhaps participants might identify a person who embodies that trait for them or write a short story or create a collage around one of the friendship themes.

 

 

Build Your Own Questions Cards

Many questions about the nature of friendships are included in the booklet that accompanies the Mates Traits cards. With a little reflection any group could develop their own sets of questions, write them on cards and develop an activity that uses these questions in conjunction with Mates Traits. For example with Mates Traits cards in the centre of a group, group members could take turns to choose a question card and answer the question on it.

 

When We Lose a Friend

 

Friendships end for many different reasons, but often with pain and hurt at the loss. Mates Traits may have applications to help in a range of situations.

 

Sometimes of course, we loose a friend permanently through death rather than relationship breakdown. A number of people have discovered that Mates Traits can provide a reminder of this friend and the friendship that was shared. Talking about a friend who has died can be very hard but Mates Traits can provide simple reminders of what you did with this person and what was valued in the friendship. At funerals and memorial services sometimes it is useful to have some prompts when we struggle to find the right words. Mates Traits might provide such reminders.

 

How might you use Mates Traits this Christmas?

Add your own Christmas message to a Mates Traits card and send it to a friend.

Stickers provide a wonderful means of 'gifting'; of being able to give a simple gift that says something positive or meaningful about someone you care for.

You could slip a Mates Traits sticker inside a card or use them to stick your gift wrapping instead of tape.You might use them at the Christmas table-stick them on paper hats; on the outside of bon bons.

The Mates Traits Colouring Book is full of positive messages for kids. They'll laugh at the antics of Mat Jones' quirky native animals and love adding stickers or their own pictures and cutouts. An affordable stocking filler that celebrates our strengths as friends.